I knew there was somebody! And it's you!
Hey! Why can't I say hello?
You're following people! Just thee.
WHY are you following me? Why?! You think I'll have my bird wandering these streets alone?
Tha could be attacked! There's no-one ever attacks me. Only you!
Well... Surely that must mean something.
We were meant for each other. You must be joking! Look at you!
I need a woman's touch! You need more - you need a damn good clout!
Does tha realise, if we got together, the money we'd save on electricity?
Oh! And stop following people!
Don't blame me if tha is attacked!
It's nearly worth being attacked to have you not there!
Why don't you do as you're told?!
Oh! Sorry! I thought you were my neighbour. Is that how you treat neighbours? Just that one.
I'll kill him, I will! Kill him!
Promises! Promises!
Oh!
I was in the same class. I remember the boy you're talking about.
But he wasn't Jessop. Morrison. It were Jessop, Billy Jessop!
Morrison! He was a tall lad. Jessop was small and fat with spots.
Everybody had spots! Except that chap who was excused PT and he came to a bad end.
What happened to him? He became a golfer.
That's terrible!
I say! Have you got the time? For what?
For what?! I mean, I want to know what the time is!
It's nearly twenty to.
Nearly? Can't you do any better?
If it's military precision you're after, you're in the right place.
It's twenty-one minutes to.
Yeah. That's what I make it.
I seen him before. Nora Batty were clouting him with her shopping bag.
Could we ask why? She thought it were me.
There you are, you see. There's always a reasonable explanation.
What's the point in wasting money? My father's good with engines.
I know he is, but he gets carried away.
You used to let him listen to it. That's when we had an old banger.
This is different. She's nearly new. You'll be with it all the time.
You won't let him get carried away.
Be brave, Barry. Go and ask my father to listen to your engine.
She looks a fair little machine, does this!
I don't understand how Nora Batty could ever mistake anyone for you.
If it comes to looking like no-one else, you get full marks. Ta, love!
Will you get off?! Get off!
Now look, keep your distance before we all come out in spots again!
Do you remember blackheads?
You don't get blackheads like you used to.
It's probably all these artificial flavourings. Remember Ziggy Grimshaw?
He had that big scab that wouldn't heal.
He used to peel it back and let you have a long look for a ha'penny.
He charged me a penny! He must've seen thee coming!
I gave him a ha'penny so I wouldn't have to look.
It's him again!
SNIFFS DEEPLY
Yes, the air's wonderful out here.
Can you smell anything burning?
There's nothing burning, although this man looks as if he's only recently been put out.
Watch it, Audrey!
I'm sure I smell something burning!
Well, it's not down here.
Maybe Nora Batty hit him too hard.
SNIFFING
Give her some clog, Barry! Let's hear what she has to say.
ENGINE REVS
More clog than that! Shift over!
She needs a bit of foot.
He'll mark my upholstery. Don't worry. He's not as oily as he looks.
Your car will be all right.
FRANTIC REVVING
Don't start sniffing again! There's nothing burning!
You're not just saying that?
Look around. Nothing's burning! What did you think was burning?
The world! The planet!
Oh, the world! She did. She hit him too hard.
Try not to excite him. He said it would burn!
He's right in a way. The planet IS burning.
I told you!
How long has it been burning?
It's always been burning!
Why haven't I been informed? Didn't they tell you at school?
Nobody said a word! It's been burning ever since I was at school?
Where's the smoke?
Well, it's not on the surface! It's burning inside.
You see, inside, the planet is a burning mass.
We're standing on a thin crust.
How thin? Well, it's not as thin as that! Come down!
Damn sneaky! Burning inside!
I've been looking up here!
Expecting it, were you? Can't be too careful.
That's what they said when we all had spots.
If you had spots, you could get people's sandwiches. I know. They were mostly mine!
What time is it?
I told you once. Tell me again!
Listen, all this burning is making me thirsty.
SNIFFING
I knew I could smell burning.
You can't! It's deep underground.
Why hasn't somebody put it out? I'VE been wondering that!
That's how things are. You can't alter a stubborn fact of nature.
A lot like you!
Hey, up, Norm! I am a fact of nature!
Well, all I know is that you can see daylight through those trousers.
No! No, I don't want it. It's too much.
Too much? I've knocked £15 off! It's still too much.
For that beautiful example? Bring it out. Let him see it.
I'm not interested at that price.
Here. Look at the workmanship. It's too expensive!
Too expensive? Of course it's too expensive!
How can we make a living if we sell things cheap? ..Take that inside.
Mark it "reserved". For who? Him!
I want you to follow him and find out where he lives. I'll give him "too expensive"!
Gunnershaw? Tha's a Gunnershaw? There used to be some Gunnershaws in Copley Road.
No relation. I've an auntie in Barnsley, but that's about it.
You're not married? She left me when I fell in with the prophet.
Fell in what? I didn't fall "in" anything.
I became a disciple of the prophet!
Which prophet would that be? Yes. I was wondering that.
The prophet Bickerdyke.
Of course(!) We should have known! First one that enters your head!
Bickerdyke? You've never heard of Bickerdyke? He was famous south of Huddersfield.
Was? Passed away, didn't he?
What were his first name? Dennis.
Aye, I get it! Sounds authentic to me!
If you're going to have a Yorkshire prophet, he'd be called Dennis Bickerdyke.
It's all very well, but what were his qualifications?
He wasn't just some muffin! Before his retirement, he was quite senior with Ogilby Builders.
Ah, well, that's it. How many prophets can boast of that kind of experience?
Plus, he was secretary of the Railway Modellers Club.
Better and better!
I do like it!
Is that clock right?!
It's five minutes fast. Why are you so anxious about the time?
Maybe I ought to let the garage take a look at it, Mr Pegton?
No need, lad. I'll get to the bottom of this.
How long will it take to put it all back together again?
Don't ask me, Barry! I've never done one of these before.
You mean, down below there, it's just a molten, flaming mass?
Makes you think about your heating bill!
I prefer to warm myself on Nora Batty.
Is it allowed in a smokeless zone?
Why is nobody doing anything?
There's no need to worry about it. It's always been like that.
Nobody worries about it. I do!
Tell me, how did Mr Bickerdyke make the transfer
from builders' merchant to becoming a prophet?
Did he take a course? Our kid did when he retired. I forget what in.
Probably how to make your own £10 notes(!)
He was a great do-it-yourself man.
He's reformed now. He stays at home and talks to his budgie.
Not to his wife? No, he likes his budgie.
Does it talk back to him?
No! That's the wife.
What kind of things did Bickerdyke prophesy?
He first became well-known for forecasting the closure of his local railway line.
It sort of grew from there. His big thing was prophesying that the world would end.
That's a big jump from his local railway!
I expect he was just depressed on account of waiting for a train.
Did he say how it was going to come to an end?
Is it my imagination or does it feel warm to you?
He used to love these moors.
How long's he been dead? Yonks.
I was there when he died.
It's always been a source of pride that I heard the last words of the prophet Bickerdyke.
When you say he loved these moors, did he come here often?
Oh, yes. There's a spot down there.
He used to say, "Gunnershaw, when I'm dead, if you ever need to get in touch, that's the place."
That was thoughtful, leaving a forwarding address.
Has tha tried to get in touch?
I've tried. What happened? Nothing.
Maybe he was out.
He wanted that grandfather clock. I could see it in his eyes.
And I let him get away. Oh, me mother would turn in her grave!
Did you find out where he lives?
Number 4, Ridley Street.
I wonder now, will he collect or shall we deliver?
But he hasn't bought it! Yes, he has. He just doesn't know it yet.
Are you sure this is the place?
This is the place. This were his favourite spot.
Somebody else with spots!
It's not even near a railway line. I thought he were a railway buff?
Why should he come back where a train might knock him down?
Nobody said anything about anybody coming back! Especially with spots.
Don't worry. It's under my supervision.
This is where he said you should contact him? Yes. I've been before.
But tha's not had any luck? Nothing.
I don't like interfering in these things.
If he comes in a cloud of railway steam, I'll die!
Pull yourself together, that man!
Right, go ahead.
I'm usually alone.
I wish he'd stayed alone!
Don't worry about that. We're here to support you.
Tell, uh... Tell him you've brought along a few friends.
Tell him I'm in charge.
Hey, Norm, how does he make contact with somebody who's dead?
That's the trouble. First thing you know, you're in a horror movie!
They have strange practices and they do all these weird things!
Right, that man. Begin.
Hello?
Hello? Are you there, Dennis?
It's me. Gunnershaw.
It don't sound that weird to me. True.
Can you hear me, Dennis? Dennis?
Maybe we're not using enough volume.
Perhaps if we all tried together.
Now, "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me, Dennis?"
ALL: Hello? Hello?
Can you hear me, Dennis?
ALL: Hello? Hello?
Can you hear me, Dennis?
Oh, Marina!
Oh, Howard!
Ow!
Even the brambles want us to cling together! It's fate!
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina!
Alone at last.
DISTANT: Hello? Hello? It's only us!
Listen!
ALL: Hello! Hello! We know you're there!
There's no need to shout.
I was just checking this young lady for a slow puncture.
Oh, thank you.
I haven't seen your father. He's all right. He's at the shed listening to Barry's engine.
That's your father(!) Everyone else likes Pavarotti. HE listens to engines!
They have wonderful ways of amusing themselves.
Mine does!
Mine used to have a recording of a railway train. He used to sit there listening to it!
Steam, of course. He used to fiddle with the hi-fi.
Trying to make the steam sound exactly right.
Mine used to like listening to his pigeons.
He'd spend hours with his pigeons.
Which is all very well, but he used to drop feathers in the bedroom!
Mine drops earrings.
"Whose are these?" "Mine," he says.
"How long have you been wearing earrings?" I ask him. "Only recently," he says.
"With diamante?" I ask him.
Maybe they were somebody else's.
Drink your coffee!
No, with me it was just feathers, never earrings.
They're all untidy in bedrooms.
Mine always has to have a spanner in reach. Imagine that in a bedroom!
Marriage would be much tidier if you kept them out of bedrooms!
Oh, I think my Barry makes a bedroom!
I hope that means he's fitting wardrobes!
Drink your coffee.
"Just get in touch," he said. "If you need anything. Just get in touch."
And you believed him?
Of course I believed him!
He hasn't got the hang of it. Why did you believe him?
Because he had these visions!
He was on the button, was old Dennis. I always believed him.
I'm like that. I even believe holiday brochures.
He was reliable, was Dennis.
He didn't know the planet were on fire! He never mentioned it.
But that doesn't mean he didn't know. What time is it?
Here we go again! What's this obsession with time?
Time's precious. That were one of his big things.
Maybe that's why you can't get him. He's lost his watch.
He left me his watch. Well, that's it, then.
You said something about his last words. Yeah, his last words. What were his last words?
We thought he was in a coma.
But he was having this vision.
He came out of it with news of some interest to us all.
He'd picked up some significant information.
He knew when... the world was going to end!
And did he share this significant information? He did.
Well, are you keeping it a secret?
When is it going to end, according to the prophet Bickerdyke? On a Wednesday!
That's it? The world's going to end on a Wednesday?
GULPS Today's Wednesday.
I know! Why do think I keep asking what the time is?!
What do you think, Norman?
Well, I'm not saying I believe him,
but I do wish today was Thursday.
He sounds like a right headbanger!
But he did forecast the closure of their local railway line.
What time is it? Don't YOU start!
How are you going to persuade him to buy the clock? I'll be sneaky.
I hate being sneaky. It doesn't show.
But if I'm on the point of losing a sale, I feel Mother's watching.
Are you going to reduce the asking price? With Mother watching?!
No!
Oh, it's you!
Oh, you remembered. I should think so! Then you remember the clock.
I've told you - no way! I don't want the clock.
I hate that kind of clock! I like a man that knows his mind.
But what about that other clock? WHAT other clock? On that woman you've been seen around with.
Keep your voice down!
What time do you close? Never!
Right. I'll be in at six to pick up the clock.
How did you know about the lady he's been seen with? I didn't.
But you can rely on them to have something to feel guilty about.
What kind of prophecy is that? The world ends on a Wednesday! It lacks military precision.
7-1 odds. It could be a winner.
I'd feel happier if we'd met this twit on a Thursday!
But nobody said THIS Wednesday.
He didn't say it would be today.
He didn't say it wasn't, either.
I wish I'd never bothered making a big rice pudding!
You won't have long to wait. We'll know at 17 minutes past 2.
He gave you the time?
17 minutes past 2!
How about that for military precision!
God, it's a quarter past, already!
How many's that, Norm? Two minutes.
We've got two minutes! You're sure he didn't say which Wednesday?
He never got round to it.
But didn't you press him? Damn it, I hope you weren't talking trains!
He must have said something! What WERE his last words? He said, "Make a note, Gunnershaw.
"The world will end at 17 minutes past 2 on Wednesday the...uurgh!"
Wednesday the uurgh? He died, didn't he?
That shows a lack of responsibility.
What time is it? Yes, what time?
It's coming up to 17 minutes past.
Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one... zero.
RUMBLING
BANG
It's sounding sweeter all the time!